Query letter #21: fiction

Dear Agent Sydney

The Hive: [why use a colon when 'is a' would have worked much better?] a community of psionicists in contemporary London. They’ve lived in hiding for hundreds of years, fearful of persecution. Now they’re locked in an underground war against Silencers - vicious Psi-consuming parasites that take over unsuspecting Norms.

Lysander, the Hive’s visionary leader, has a solution that will eradicate the Silencers in one fell swoop. By coincidence, his proposal will also raise London’s ten thousand dormant telepaths to maturity. All he needs is the approval of the Hive’s communal mind to proceed, and the Silencers conveniently assist by harrying at every opportunity. The Hive might be reluctant to interfere in Norm affairs, but there’s no other choice if it is to survive.

Critical to Lysander’s proposal is Luke, a rebellious nineteen year old [So is this for young adults or not?] with unique – but dormant - psionic abilities. Falling under the older man’s wing, Luke soon finds himself embroiled in the Hive’s political intrigues. As if that wasn’t enough, the uncomfortably-good-looking Lysander’s sexual advances soon have Luke questioning his sexuality.

When Luke discovers there’s a traitor feeding information to the Silencers, he doesn’t know who to trust. Lysander’s revelation that he intends to use the ten thousand telepaths to bring about a golden age for mankind only complicates matters. The Silencers suddenly seem like the perfect justification for his ambitions.

But Lysander wouldn’t betray the Hive to its ancient nemesis just to get what he wants, would he? And if he had, does Luke have what it takes to stop his new lover before it is too late? [This is a lot of dense detail to this point - tighten it up.]

HIVE is a cross genre [ah, yes, but which genres? I can pick at least three] science fiction novel for adults complete at approximately 100k words. I am seeking representation. [I guessed that.] Thank you for your consideration.

Overall: a fairly good letter but the story description needs some tightening and you should identify the genres you're crossing.

What you haven't mentioned: you. Why are you writing in this genre? What do you love about it? Given that you have a potentially hard-to-market gay subplot, why have you included it? These are the things I'm wondering.