Seriously, now, don't do these things

There is a lot of information 'out there' for writers, including this here website. Lots of dos, lots of don'ts, lots of advice in general. Still, though - STILL! - the same errors crop up in submissions over and over again. So here's a short list - a reminder, if you will - of what not to do.

1. Do not send out your manuscript if it's still at first-draft stage -  there will always be room to improve after that, and you need to send out the best possible version of your work.

2. Do not send out your manuscript if you know, in your gut (or your heart - whichever you prefer), that it isn't ready, even if it's had several drafts. You only have one chance to submit to agents and publishers - once you've been rejected, it is highly unlikely that the same manuscript will be looked at again. And, deep down, you know when it's still not ready - you're just trying to talk yourself out of it.

3. Do not send your submission to someone who isn't interested in the genre or category of book you're writing. Children's authors, you're the big culprits here - many of you send submissions to agents and publishers who don't represent or publish children's books. 

4. Do not ignore the submission guidelines - they're arbitrary, yes, but they're our attempt to create order out of chaos.

That's my short Friday afternoon list. If you want some more pointers, play this game.

Asking for a second date

So, it's been a while. I have been running this blog since 2007 and I've never really had time for it but try to make time because I realise that there are questions that writers have about all sorts of things to do with the publishing process. I do appreciate those of you who have been reading this blog, some of you regularly, but confess that the odd vicious commenter does make me wonder why I bother. On the interwebs everyone can hear you scream, or something like that. And while Agent Sydney is a persona, there is an actual person writing these posts. Thus, I took a break. I still don't really have time to write the blog, but there has been the odd question to answer. Finally, here's an answer to one of them.

I have a query regarding resubmitting the same book to a literary agent. Once a book has been submitted it doesn't necessarily mean it stops changing, often it is revised and revised as we make improvements. Maybe the query letter wasn't up to scratch. Or the synopsis didn't reflect the scope and variety of your novel. Or the first few chapters were the first you wrote and required major revision that you couldn't see yourself at the time until someone pointed it out.

Is it wrong to resubmit your novel again to the same agent? If not how long should you wait? And should you mention it has been submitted before?

The term 'wrong' is a bit loaded ... 'Unwise' is probably better. You can certainly submit the novel again to the same agent, but it's likely that the agent will remember or be able to check and that they'll automatically reject you again. You won't ever necessarily know why they rejected you the first time - it's not always because of the query letter, or the story. Sometimes the agent is really not the right agent for the novel. 

There are some manuscripts that I'll never take on no matter how well written they are and how good the query letter is - anything about a serial killer who attacks children, for example, or a book about snakes, because I'm never going to love snakes. I would simply not be the right agent for such a book, but there may well be an agent out there who is. Unfortunately we don't usually have time to personalise our rejection letters so we don't have the opportunity to be explicit about the reasons why we said 'no', which does mean that writers may think that they can submit the same project a second time and receive a different answer. When an author has asked to resubmit, though, I've never changed my mind. And if they don't tell me it's a resubmission I usually remember the author or the story anyway and remember why I said 'no' the first time. It's the same with publishers: I can't resubmit something to them if they've already said 'no', even if the author has made changes. Because the reasons why the publisher said 'no' to my client would be as hard to define as the reasons why I said 'yes'. 

All of this points to the necessity of making sure your novel/manuscript and your query letter are as good as they can possibly before you start submitting anywhere. You need to believe and act as though you only have one chance. Because, most of the time, you do. You may, of course, be the exception and get another opportunity, and if you're set on attempting that I'd suggest that you mention the earlier submission in your letter and state very clearly why you believe your novel should be considered anew. The more time that has passed since the first submission, the more likely it is that the agent will believe that you've made actual changes. 

  

Query letter #10: Mitch H

A monastic trained orphan with a talent for Sorcery, Caldan's entire world dissolves when he learns his family was murdered, almost kills his friend's brother, and is exiled from the only life he has known. Adrift and confused he begins to build a new life in a strange city, developing his Sorcerous talent while hunting for information on his parents enigmatic past. When a power hungry nation invades, for reasons both personal and nefarious, Caldan must embrace forbidden Sorcery in order to survive risking becoming the very thing he has vowed to defeat, and condemning himself in the process. In the chaos of the invasion he unearths a Sorcerous secret his parents had been hiding, with stunning implications that will change the face of Sorcery forever. [This is a very dense opening paragraph - bear in mind that people who read these letters see a lot of them. Our eyes do get tired and there is a not-yet-officially-recognised condition called Manuscript Fatigue. So break it up a bit if you can. Try reading it aloud the way it's written here - that will help you work out where the breaks should fall.]

I am seeking representation for my epic fantasy novel, A Broken Silence, which is complete at 188,000 words and the first book of a planned trilogy. [Perhaps put this first.]

Currently I am a full time freelance writer of speculative fiction living in Sydney, Australia, and a member of the NSW Writers Center. At the moment I am working on the second book of my series and developing a website. [Are you online anywhere else? If so, include the URL.]

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Overall feedback: Again, there was no pressing reason to want to read more. You gave me a description but not a reason. We don't expect that you'll write the equivalent of a back-cover blurb (which can take weeks to perfect and are often argued over) but those blurbs are a good guide as to how to construct your query letter: you catch the reader's attention and then tell them what the story is. It's a tired old chestnut, but the 'elevator pitch' principle applies: you need to be able to tell me what your story is about and why it's great in the time it would take to ride an elevator a few floors. When readers go into a bookshop or read a description online, they're not going to give your story any more time than that either, so consider your query letter practice for that back-cover blurb that needs to impress a potential book buyer.

Query letter #9: Benjamin S

Rift is a 75,000 word thriller novel about the murder of sixteen year old girl in the Victorian coastal town of Wheeler's Cove. The novel is unique [even if it is, don't say this - a lot of authors say their story is unique, so the term has lost its power] as the protagonists simultaneously investigate the murder both before and after it happens. [interesting premise]

Jamie Webster is a struggling writer who moves to Wheeler's Cove to escape the mounting expectations on his second novel. Alice Jackson has returned to her father's house to wait out her husband's death from lung cancer in their home town. Fate brings them together over the washed up body of a sixteen year old school girl. She's been shot twice; once in the head and once in the stomach.

The next day the girl turns up at the local police station, very much alive.

Alice and Jamie figure out that the headland is a place that exists simultaneously three months apart. [Consider putting this information in the opening paragraph - it's a key element and sets the story apart] Jamie is from the past, Alice from the future. Using clues both before and after the murder, they must piece together the mystery before the past catches up to the present, and the girl dies for good.

But old towns have old secrets. As Alice and Jamie delve further into the death, they find that this may not be the first homicide in their quiet town. And, if they're not careful, it may not be the last.

Protect the past. Fear the future. [This line doesn't seem to belong to anything - if you're going to use it, put it first in the letter so it seems like a hook.]

I am an award winning and nationally televised stand-up comedian. I have an English degree and have written for newspapers and comedy festivals in the past. This is my first novel. [Contrary to what many first-time novelists think, saying it's your first novel is not a disincentive for agents or publishers to read it] Other novelists I enjoy reading in this genre are Peter Temple, for his realism, and Stephen King, for his higher concept thrillers.

I also have an Engineering Honours Degree, which I know has no credence with novel writing, but mentioning it makes me feel like I didn't waste five years of my life. [Humour is good!]

Overall feedback: This letter lacks that essential grunt - you haven't give me a reason to want to read it. Yes, you've described the story in enough detail for me to be intrigued, but what I really want to feel is that must-read-it-now sensation. Open with your hook: 'The body of a sixteen-year-old girl is washed up on a beach in Wheeler's Cove, a small Victorian coastal town. She's been shot twice - once in the head, once in the stomach. And the next day she turns up at the police station - very much alive ...' That would get anyone's attention. 

Query letter #8: Luciano C

I am writing to you regarding my completed novel, The Legacy of about 101,000 words. The story is a historical fantasy based on Greek mythology. The Moirai [Who are these Moirai - a tribe? A race? Elf-like creatures hiding in Herodotus' robe?] foresee a future where the Olympian Gods will fade from immortal existence and are replaced by a single entity [watch the grammar - you mixed future and present tenses]. To prevent this from happening, the sacred relics of the Mother Goddess, whose power is supreme, must be restored [restored to where -  a temple? A town?] to avert the extinguishing power of the gods [watch the grammar here]. Poseidon's children, the Atlanteans, have been chosen to seek out the relics or face extinction.

My target audience would be readers of George R.R. Martin and Kate Mosse [whoa there, cowboy - you haven't convinced me to read your story yet, so it's a bit early to tell me whose readers you think would like it], although my story differs from the traditional telling of historical novels. My story draws on ancient history and mythology to tell a provocative yet epic tale of intrigue, betrayal, a loss of belief and the everlasting impact it has on the characters. [This is a good sentence - move it up to the first paragraph so it comes after the sentence ending 'Greek mythology' and then start a new para to tell me about the story itself.] This is my first work of fiction which is part of a series, the second book is completed and I have begun writing the third.

I'm Australian and live in Perth, city of Western Australia. I have studied Ancient History [this is an example of pertinent detail - if you're writing about Ancient Greece, I do want to read that you've studied Ancient History], completed a series of writer's workshops at the University of Western Australia and concluded a Proofreading course. I am an affiliate member of the Australian Society of Authors and member of The Katharine Susannah Pritchard's Writers Centre. [All good information.]

Please find attached a synopsis and a sample of my manuscript The Legacy. I have included my e-mail address for a reply. If the manuscript is to your liking, I'd love to send you a larger sample or the entire manuscript.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Overall feedback: You buried the best sentence of your pitch deep in the second paragraph. If you move it up to the first para, you'll see how it will change what detail you want to include after it, because the story you described in the first para didn't seem provocative, or that it contained intrigue, betrayal or a loss of belief. So either that really good sentence doesn't represent your story, or you haven't described the story in a way that fits with the pitch. 

Query letter #7: Gwendolyn C

As a time-traveler, Kale has no future. Every few days he disappears only to return to a house he doesn't like to call home. It's impossible for him to be normal. It's impossible for him to control it. But when Kale starts traveling back to World War II, fighting in a war he was never meant to be in, it becomes harder for him to have two lives when he doesn't think he belongs to either. 

Then after six years of being away, Harper moves back in next door, the girl who has haunted his past with the life he used to have. [Watch the grammar here - I needed to know that Harper was the girl who haunted his past before you told me her name.] They spent countless summers together growing up—swimming in the river and being a nuisance to the neighbors. Now, long after Kale gave up hope of seeing her again, they have their first summer together in years. Maybe not the way he would've imagined it, but more real than he could hope for.

But when everything seems to be getting better—Kale trying to figure out the secret to his time-traveling and making amends with his father who he never got along with—Harper finds something in Kale's past that might tear them apart forever. Because whether or not Kale likes to admit it, the past is Kale's future, and there's no changing it. [This pitch is a paragraph too long. Did I need to know about the summers? Probably not. Find a shorter way to tell me about Kale and Harper's reunion and why it's important to the story. Kale's father also isn't an element I need to know about here. Stick to the time travel and the romance - I'll find out about the father if I want to read the manuscript, but you have to get me to that point first.]

COLD SUMMER is a YA science fiction novel complete at 96,000 words. [The elephant in the room here is The Time-Traveler's Wife - if you have written a time-travel story involving a romance, you have to acknowledge the other novel either as influence or inspiration, otherwise I'll think you're trying to mimic it.]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

General feedback: This letter has potential - it just needs a bit more polish and focus. It also needs to have the author in it - you told me nothing about yourself. As you are the storyteller, you are just as important as the story. The 'party pitch' mentioned in the last letter is a technique that you've no doubt heard of before - I certainly didn't invent it - and it's a valid one. Being a storyteller also means being able to convince people to hear or read your story. 

Query letter #6: Ian E

I am a 63 year old retiree, having raised a family of two boys with my wife of 30 years. [I don't need to know this - it doesn't have anything to do with your writing.] I have been carrying around this manuscript for 40 years [Saying how long it's taken to write this is not a badge of honour - it just makes me think the manuscript is overcooked], but only now realize what I was trying to say. It is a biography from my past, and all happened before I was 21 [This is actually the salient piece of information], but the ramifications have left my greater family divided all this time.

Ian is 21 [If it's your story, don't switch to third person to describe it, otherwise I'll presume you've written a novel and named the central character after yourself] and running from his past. Leaving behind his Asian girlfriend after having a baby, (not his), and anticipating the return of her husband from prison, he hitchhikes across Canada in the middle of winter [So Canada is the setting of the whole story?], barely returning alive to the family he's ostracized from. [The grammar is clumsy here - it's important to make the spelling and grammar as good as can be] As a younger lad he was in a love triangle which left, one 15 year old pregnant, and broke the family of another 14, year old, after he took nude pics of her and they were found by her father. Unwelcome, and reviled, and looking like hell, barely making the journey he is forcibly committed to a mental institution and declared a schizophrenic. The book parallels his life, as he deals with the loss of his soul and the mind numbing drugs. [Somewhere in here is a storyline - you need to say what the story is about, and 'my life' is not the right answer - if you are a stranger to all your potential readers, you have to give them a reason to want to read this - you have to find the common human thread/s that make your story relevant to others.] It takes us into a place very few people ever go, exposing the soul or the lack of it because in the end, that's what he get on his knees in the hospital chapel, and asks for. That's what, he concludes realizing after repeated attempts [attempts at ...?], made upon him by the hospital, he has nothing to say and even if he did, his tongue, 'cleaving to his mouth', won't let him. [I'm still not sure what the story is.]

30,000 words [This is too small a word count for most publishers to consider.]


General feedback: Never attempt to do too much in a query letter when telling something simply will do. You gave quite a bit of detail in that second paragraph but I still don't really know what the story is about, or why I should read it. If you are not sure how to pitch your manuscript, pretend that you are meeting someone at a party and they ask you what your story's about - and you only have half a minute to tell them before someone else comes up to talk to you. What would you say in those 3o seconds? Wouldn't you start with, 'It's a story about love, loss and redemption' (if that's what it's about)? Writing a query letter can help you work out what your story's about, but you shouldn't send said query letter to an agent or publisher until you're sure you know. Because if you don't know what your story's about, you need to go back to the manuscript and do some more work.

In contrast to the previous 'stunt letter', you should start your query by telling me what your story is called, that it's a memoir,  and that it's 30 000 words long. You can then tell me that it deals with your life before the age of 21, then go into some detail - but not too much. You still need to pitch it, though - you need to give me a compelling reason to want to read it. Agents and publishers see thousands of submissions a year - we need to be given a reason. Also bare in mind that the reasons for non-fiction are different from those for fiction. In fiction the story, when pitched right, can be the reason. In non-fiction it may be the story or it may be the subject, or both.

Query letter #5: Cassandra P

At seventeen, Isla is the most sensible of her friends—she doesn't believe in ghoulies, ghosties or long-legged beasties. Her plans are simple: finish school, get a job, decide what she wants to do with her life. She only agrees to participate in a Halloween party séance because she wants to impress Dominic, but the séance gives Isla the first hint that her family might have a secret. When they try to contact her dead mother they receive a chilling reply: she is not dead. [This is a good example of how you can start a query letter without saying what the title, the genre and the word count are - with a good pitch. This opening para is snappy, easy to read and tells me enough about the story for me to be intrigued. It is also does tell me the genre - or, at least, the age of the readership - without directly stating it.] 

Isla is reluctant to upset her father by prying into the family history he never discusses; however, events force her hand. And nothing had prepared her for the truth. Her mother is an aosidhe, part of the fae's ruling class: a race known for its arrogance and cruelty. [This gives me a further indication of what the genre is.] Isla is introduced to her mother's world by Jack, an elf-like hob who is eager to help her for his own reasons. When her father is attacked by an unknown aosidhe, Isla must overcome her self-doubt and work with Jack to save him.

ISLA'S INHERITANCE is an 83,000 word urban fantasy set in metropolitan Australia, and is aimed at a young adult audience—particularly teenage girls who enjoy paranormal fiction.

I have a Bachelor of Arts in Communication, with a professional writing specialisation and, since 2007, I have been working as a public service editor. I am a member of the Australian Society of Authors. [Compared to the polished pitch, this feels a bit light - almost like you're trying to run away as quickly as possible. Tell me why you're writing in this genre, because there's nothing in these two lines that gives me an indication that you even like fiction.]

Included below are a synopsis and the first three chapters of the manuscript. The completed document is available on request.

General feedback: This is an example of a 'stunt letter' (my term) - where the author is accomplished enough to lead with a pitch because the pitch is really polished. The author has told me pretty much everything I need to know about her story - and certainly enough for me to decide whether or not I'd like to read it - in those first two paragraphs. By the time she tells me that it's an urban fantasy aimed at a young adult audience, I barely need to read the words. However, the reason why this is a stunt letter is that it's for the brave and confident writer only - you need to feel really sure that your pitch works in order to put it first in the query letter. There is risk there - that if it doesn't work, an agent/publisher is not going to read any further and not going to find out that it's an urban fantasy etc etc. In this letter the risk has paid off. But for other non-stunt writers it is perfectly acceptable to use a more conventional structure of title/genre/word count to start your letter.

Query letter #4: Miira K

LOVE… can you count it?  D.J. does with his Mummy, all the way to the number ten. [What type of books is this? Picture book? Middle grade? If you don't tell me here, I may presume it's a novel for adults, which will make the next few lines seem a bit odd.]

"How much do you love me Mummy?" says D.J.

"I love you 1 (one)," says Mummy. "One kiss on your little button nose."

"Do you love me more than one?" asks D.J.

"Of course, I love you 2 (two)," says Mummy. "Two kisses, one for each of your lovely bright eyes."

In 'I Love You 10' [a picture book for ages what to what?], Mummy bestows kisses on D.J. from his nose right through to '10 (ten) kisses, one for each of your wiggly little toes'. 

Well, ten seems like a lot! But can love really be counted?

'…Mummy points to the millions of twinkling stars, lighting the whole of the night sky. "Even if you could count every star…you would never be able to count how much I love you."  

This picture book [aha! here is the information I needed - but are you submitting text only, or text with illustrations?] explores and strengthens positive emotional intelligence, counting basics, and naming of body parts for young children in 317 words.

My stories are based on actual conversations with my four homeschooled children, in response to their questions, observations, and wonder. [Do you have a writing background? It's okay if you haven't - you're allowed to say, 'I've never written before but was inspired to so by ...' but if you say nothing at all about it then I have very little idea about who you are and why you're writing. Have you read other picture books? Have you researched to see if there are any books like this already?]

I have enclosed a SSAE for your convenience [only send this if requested], and I thank you for your consideration.  

General feedback: You can't presume that an agent/publisher will guess what type of book this is. We all see a lot of submissions and we're usually reading them quickly - tell us straight up what sort of book it is and who it's for, because if you don't we may not make it through half the letter to find out. For a picture book you don't need to have the same length of query letter that is needed for a novel - as there's less story to describe - but picture books are a highly competitive genre (many people write them, there are few published each year) so you need to identify why yours is different to what's already available. If you have not done any research to find out what else is available, you may find that you are wasting your time if there's a similar book out there.

Query letter #3: Barry R

I'm seeking representation for my completed 35,000 word young adult novel THE STRANGER IN MY HEAD. I note that many of your clients write in this genre. [It's good - but not essential - to say something like this as then the agent knows you've done some research. Too often writers submit to agents who don't represent their genre, and that just wastes everyone's time.]

That noise in Angie's heads; [I said I wouldn't correct typos but I will point out this one - 'heads' - it perhaps sends the wrong message about your story] it's tinnitus, the doctors say, but Angie knows better. It's a voice, a man's voice. Whose is it? Where is it coming from? Those are the very questions the voice itself wants answered. It needs help and it's telling Angie to do things she's scared to do. [Otherwise this is a solid pitch - it incites curiosity.]

As if school bullies aren't enough for a shy fifteen-year-old to deal with [good to mention the age of the character in a YA sub, just so the agent/publisher is sure you've identified the right age group], not to mention friends who think she's weird, and her feelings for that cute new guy in her class, she's now expected to find the voice's owner by following the direction it comes from. And the first thing in that direction? Rookwood Cemetery. Either the voice is real or Angie is insane.She must solve the mystery if she wants her mind back. But Angie's search will reveal more than she expects and will put her life and the lives of her friends in mortal danger. Does she have the necessary courage? Well, with the cutest guy in school on her side, maybe. [The pitch is intriguing but could be tightened a little, punctuation wise. It feels a bit breathless at the moment.]

Each chapter of THE STRANGER IN MY HEAD has been thoroughly critiqued by the long-established writing group the ... ... Writers [that's nice but it's actually more pertinent to tell me the next bit -->]. It has been through many edits and is as ready as I can make it. It's my first young adult novel but I've had several short stories and articles published, won competition and completed a fantasy trilogy. I'm working on my next novel. [All good pieces of information as they tell me that you've been writing for a while and that you're still writing. However, I'd like to know why you're now writing YA when you haven't before.]

I've attached a short synopsis, author bio and the first three chapters for your consideration.Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you. 

General feedback: A good letter. You might want to slip in something about who you think the reader is - 'for every teenager who's ever thought the only sane person they know', or something like that (not exactly that, obviously). Young adult fiction is now a very broad church that also takes in adults, so writers need to start identifying which YA audience they're writing for. In the olden days it was more simple: there was one type of teenager and it was the type who read The Outsiders.

Query letter #2: Marlana A

Title:  THE CHILDREN OF THE NEPHILIM

Genre:  YA science fiction

Word Count: 66,000 words

[I quite like this way of providing title, genre and word length - it means you don't have to work it into the letter. But just be aware that some agents may not be so fond.]

Sixteen-year old Paxton Mills freaking hates living in space. [Good opening line - I know straightaway the age and name of your character and something key about them.]  The station is freezing cold, her berth is barely bigger than a port-a-potty and her fear of heights doesn't lend itself to a comfortable intergalactic experience.  She's one of several hundred teenagers saved from the fires that ravaged Earth. [Great hook.] Handpicked for their ability to acclimate to celestial living, they were taken to ensure humanity's survival.  However, Paxton isn't grateful to her rescuers for whisking her into space and educating her in hydroponics and uniform maintenance.  Why should she give a damn about hanging squash or pride herself on having a wrinkle-free jumper, when she's haunted by memories of her loved ones being left behind to burn to death? [Good - suggests that there is humour in the story. Unless there isn't - in which case, don't make the letter humorous.]

But her days of sulking end when she realizes her teachers aren't humans, but aliens called the Nephilim.  Knowing she needs proof, Paxton breaks into the forbidden Red Block and finds curled and crusty teens barely clinging to life.  That's when she discovers she and the other kids were never taken to ensure humanity's survival.  They were taken to ensure the survival of the Nephilim.  

Unwilling to end up resembling an oversized fetus, Paxton rallies her friends so together they can find an escape.  As they unravel the mystery of the station and their captors, Paxton's boyfriend is murdered.  If Paxton wants to save her friends from this same fate, she must trust an annoyingly perfect hybrid named Kendal and accept that good and evil don't always run skin deep. [In the previous letter I said not much detail is needed in the letter - and that's when the letter reads like a synopsis. This reads like a pitch, so I wanted to keep reading - therefore, this much detail is okay.]

THE CHILDREN OF THE NEPHILIM is complete at approximately 66,000 words.  I've been an active member of the Society of Children Book Writers and Illustrators since 2009 and am the group leader for the SCBWI Osceola County Critique Group. [You can possibly include a bit more personal detail - why you love this genre, for example.]

General feedback: A well-constructed letter with a great pitch. You need just a bit more information about you before the end, so the agent/publisher gets a sense of who you are. It's okay to not have writing 'credits' but that doesn't mean you should just not say anything - instead of including credits, include some information about how you came to write this genre and why you love it.  

Query letter #1 - Kirsty A

[This is the first in a series of query letters sent by readers for me to review. I'm including just the body of the letter. There will be no correcting of typos.]


Dragons'Nests and Fire Birds is a 76,000 word fantasy aimed at 12+ readers. It is intended to be the first in a series. [It's more important to tell me what the story is here than tell me it's the first in a series - the series won't happen at all if you can't grab someone's attention with the story first.]

When Nell and her sisters inherit a box of jewels and an old Emporium, Nell hopes to make her dream come true and open a spice shop. However the Emporium has its own scruffy (and condescending)'guardian'- Brendan, and Nell keeps seeing dragons. Overhearing her Mum and Brendan arguing about a vengeful Merchant, Nell covertly follows Brendan. She finds herself in the magical Lands of Lost Lore. Nell realizes her childhood fantasies of dragons flying and mermaids singing are truly her earliest memories.

[This would be a better opening paragraph.]

Returning to Earth, Nell confronts her Mum.
Nell learns that her dad, a werewolf from the Lands, was killed in a pack dispute. Nell's step-dad was killed saving dragon nestlings from the evil Merchant.
Nell and her sisters decide to explore the Lands with disastrous consequences. When they are all captured by the Merchant only Nell manages to escape.
In return for Nell's sisters the Merchant demands a mermaid's tear, a griffin's claw and a phoenixes' feather. Nell and Brendan embark on the arduous quest.
[Condense this second paragraph - we don't need that much detail about the story in the letter, as there is usually a synopsis to read if we want detail.]

I have had two young adult fantasy novels published, Kingdoms of the Seventh Pool (Holy Angels, 1998) and Lumi's War (Holy Angels, 2001) [This information can come earlier. In your opening paragraph, you could instead say, 'I am the author of two published young adult fantasy novels. Dragons' Nests and Fire Birds is my third. It is a 76 000 word story aimed readers aged 12 and over.' This would get an agent/publisher's attention more quickly. Is there anything more you can tell us about you - how long you've been writing? Why you love YA fantasy?]


General feedback: You could sound a bit more confident. Blow your trumpet early - about your previous books, and about this story. There's no sense here that you really want to encourage me to read this manuscript. What's so good about this story? Why should I want to read it over all others? Describing the storyline isn't enough. Tell me why it's great. If you don't believe it's great, no one else is likely to ...

Now you've had time to digest the query letter tips ...

Let's play a game! Or something.

In the past I have invited readers to submit their query letters so I can delicately pick through them to give feedback. This feedback is published on the blog, along with the query letter. So, in a way, it's advance advertising for your manuscript (unless your query letter is no good, in which case you may wish to hang your head in shame).

Now, even though the last two weeks before Christmas are by no means slow in agent land - what with the frantic reading of all the submissions that have banked up over the past few months weeks - I have decided to throw myself into this query letter fray again and invite readers of the blog to submit query letters.

I'll take the first ten letters by email. There is no prize other than me giving you feedback.

Query letter tips redux

After wading through hundreds of query letters/submissions/cover letters (and that's just in the past few weeks) I have realised that my attempts at providing helpful hints to writers have either:

(a) been ignored
(b) not been read at all
(c) been misinterpreted as suggestions only, when in fact they are dicta.

So, writers, I'm trying again, to save myself and agents everywhere from the task of having to penetrate several paragraphs of a letter that don't, unfortunately, tell us much about the manuscript it's attached to nor give us reasons why we should read it. And we want to want to read it - we really do. We are reading submissions because we are trying to find  great writers and great stories. We just find that when you send us unclear letters, we are more likely to reject you than request your full manuscript, simply because we're seeing hundreds - thousands - of these letters each year and it all gets a bit overwhelming. Make it easy for us. Make it easy on yourself, because the process of writing the letter should also help you work out if you can describe your story clearly - and if you can't, that tells you something about the story.

Your query/cover letter should clearly state, in the opening paragraph, without too much ancillary text:

1. The title of your work.
2. The genre - or, if you can't define the genre, just say that, but then clearly describe the storyline so that the agent or publisher can attempt to guess a genre.
3. The word count.
4. Ideally, the reasons why an agent or publisher would want to read it - but we don't expect you to have a 'perfect pitch', we just expect you to be able to state clearly what's good/different/appealing about your manuscript, and to do it in under 1000 words.

In the following paragraphs, give a short description of the story - not the whole synopsis - and provide any other information that is relevant (e.g. if you are a journalist writing about a subject you've covered for years; if you have had short stories published; if you're a member of a writers' centre or association).

Your query/cover letter should not state, especially in the first paragraph:

i) That being a published author is your dream - this is assumed.
ii) That it's taken you X number of years to write this manuscript and you hope it's ready now. The amount of years it takes to write is not a badge of honour, it's just a fact.
iii) What you think having an agent will do for you and how it fits into your dream of winning an Oscar and the Booker Prize (you'd be surprised how often there are variations on this theme).
iv) That you are the world's greatest undiscovered/unpublished writer and I'll be sorry if I don't take you on (this one also turns up a surprising number of times).

If you are still in doubt about your letter, try this helpful game.

Please stop sending me query letters

Dear folks who keep sending me their query letters: I don't do it on a regular basis. This is not usually a query-letter-critiquing website. You'll have to wait until the next time I feel like saddling up that particular horse and, until then, I'm going to politely ignore your emails.

Conundra about querying

The particular agency I have chosen to try first has great specific submission guidelines on their website BUT says that the initial contact needs to be via phone or email. Does this mean I send my query letter (without anything else) via email? A ditzy question I imagine but no amount of googling has found me the answer! Also, there are agents' names listed on their website ... I've had a snoop via google into each of them and whilst they all seem great, I'm not sure whose name I should put on the initial query email?

And breathe ... two ... three ... four ...

Just relax. You're not going to be rejected just because you're not sure which agent to send it to. If this agency's guidelines are unclear that's their fault, not yours.

'Initial contact by phone or email' is a little unclear when there are also specific submission guidelines, so hedge your bets: send just the query letter by email, with no sample text, and it's also okay to say that you weren't sure how much to send initially, and you're happy to send more if required. You're not going to be rejected for being thoughtful and polite.

In terms of whose name to use: use the agency's name. 'Dear [agency name] ...' The agency I work for gets enquiries about which name to use but, really, it doesn't matter to whom you address the query - it will get read regardless. Just don't say 'Dear sir' unless you happen to know it's run by men. The Australian agents are overwhelmingly female in number and nothing sets the teeth to grinding like a 'Dear sir', because it indicates a complete lack of attention to any sort of known detail about Australian agencies.

One woman's treasure is another woman's ...

I am the lucky gold star recipient for the QL you analysed in your 17th January blog (QL #11, "A Heat Of The Moment Thing"). I was absolutely thrilled that it had passed muster, but have just received feedback from RWAmerica's Great Expectations contest that pretty much slammed the identical QL! This is what was said:

'Query is nicely written but I am not seeing a hint of a story, goal, motivation, major conflict, hurdles. This seems more like a description of two or so chapters. What does Becky want to achieve? What’s her goal? How is it impeded? What are some of the psychological reasons Becky doesn’t do relationships, or even a hint of one, e.g., "burned by boys in high school, young..."'

Now, I understand that judges are generally not agents or editors! And I understand that one person's idea of a great QL isn't necessarily another's. But I thought I'd hinted at enough to whet an agent/editor's appetite. Now I'm left wondering if this is something I should be trying to address in a more specific way - or whether it's a US vs Downunder thing - or whether it's just one of those best-ignored quirky judges' comments.

Any thoughts you have on this would be greatly appreciated.

This a perfect example of why it's so hard for authors to be able to guess what's right for the agent, publisher or competition they're submitting to: everyone's different, and you can't please all of the people all of the time. All any of us 'industry professionals' can do is try to provide some general guidelines, but in the end it all comes down to the expectations and taste of the person who's reading your query.

For me, your query letter was pretty much perfect. I loved your tone; the amount of detail you gave was great, and the hook was great too. I don't know what the RWAmerica guidelines were but it seems as though these judges had certain expectations that weren't met. The amount of detail requested by the judges - the detail they're saying you didn't provide - is probably more detail than agents/publishers would want. I don't need you to tell me about the character's psychological background in the query letter - I expect to find that out when I read the manuscript.

So perhaps this is just a matter of different submission guidelines and different expectations, and romance is quite specific about what's expected (I'm not an expert in it). Perhaps the lesson out of it is: read the submission guidelines carefully.

However, I thought you wrote a great query letter. So why not test it 'in the wild' - send it out, see what happens? If you're concerned, only send it to a couple of agents and see what the response is. If you're getting rejected, then look at tweaking it and maybe consult with some members of the romance writing community - it's very vibrant and, from what I've seen, collegial.

Query letter #22: non-fiction

Agent Sydney:

The battle for gay equality wages [unfortunate choice of verb - when I'm reading a lot of these letters on the trot, I'm reading quickly, and 'gay' + 'equality' + 'wages' first made me think you had a poorly constructed clause about a branch of trade unionism], yet most people are under the incorrect assumption that the battle for equality is all about gay marriage. It is so much more than marriage. It is about the right to exist and be accepted unconditionally as human beings with feelings, desires, and ambitions. It is a fight for the civil rights that have not been extended to the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender communities. The past 10 years have been a tumultuous time for the LGBTQ community as steps have been taken both forward and backward. [This sounds a little like lecturing - you can presume that people in the publishing industry are fairly well read and are aware of social and political issues. Some of them even engage with these issues.]

My book, working title The Chronicles of Equality, examines the major arguments for and against gay equality and the advances made in the past decade. It is separated into three parts: Part 1 examines the major arguments of the equality fight including whether there is or is not a scientific basis for homosexuality, gay marriage and its effect on society, and the parallels gay rights draws to the fight for black civil rights; Part 2 provides a concise, yet detailed, year-by-year summary of the past decade; and Part 3 summarizes various outlooks and agendas of the major players in the fight for and against gay equality. There is a significant gap of non-fiction Gay and Lesbian literature that The Chronicles of Equality will address. Most of the literature examines gay rights history before the 21st century and is significantly outdated. [This sounds comprehensive but I don't know who you want your reader to be - as opposed to who your reader is likely to be. Your reader is likely to be someone who is already aware of the issues - those who are ignorant of the issues and wish to remain so aren't going to read it. So what's your intention in writing it - who is your ideal reader?]

In May 2011 I will hold a Master of Arts in National Security Studies and plan to study for my PhD in Conflict Analysis and Resolution immediately after. Throughout my undergraduate and graduate studies I have concentrated on subsets of national populations and their effects on domestic and foreign politics. This academic experience gives me the knowledge and research skills necessary to accomplish the goals of this book in a reader engaging rhetoric. [It also makes me think it's going to be an academic work, so you need to make it clear if you're writing for a trade/commercial audience or an academic one.] The catalyst for me writing this book was suffering workplace discrimination and harassment because of my sexual orientation, which brought me even closer to the already personal fight for equality.

Thank you for your time and consideration. If you wish to see the proposal for The Chronicles of Equality, please email me at AuthorAGL@domainname.com.

Regards,

Author AGL

Overall: a fairly dense but competent letter. Try breaking up the first two paragraphs into smaller chunks - I'm being serious when I say we read a lot of these on the trot; it can get hard on the eyes when there's a large paragraph with lots of information.

What you haven't mentioned: word count and whether or not it's actually finished.

Query letter #21: fiction

Dear Agent Sydney

The Hive: [why use a colon when 'is a' would have worked much better?] a community of psionicists in contemporary London. They’ve lived in hiding for hundreds of years, fearful of persecution. Now they’re locked in an underground war against Silencers - vicious Psi-consuming parasites that take over unsuspecting Norms.

Lysander, the Hive’s visionary leader, has a solution that will eradicate the Silencers in one fell swoop. By coincidence, his proposal will also raise London’s ten thousand dormant telepaths to maturity. All he needs is the approval of the Hive’s communal mind to proceed, and the Silencers conveniently assist by harrying at every opportunity. The Hive might be reluctant to interfere in Norm affairs, but there’s no other choice if it is to survive.

Critical to Lysander’s proposal is Luke, a rebellious nineteen year old [So is this for young adults or not?] with unique – but dormant - psionic abilities. Falling under the older man’s wing, Luke soon finds himself embroiled in the Hive’s political intrigues. As if that wasn’t enough, the uncomfortably-good-looking Lysander’s sexual advances soon have Luke questioning his sexuality.

When Luke discovers there’s a traitor feeding information to the Silencers, he doesn’t know who to trust. Lysander’s revelation that he intends to use the ten thousand telepaths to bring about a golden age for mankind only complicates matters. The Silencers suddenly seem like the perfect justification for his ambitions.

But Lysander wouldn’t betray the Hive to its ancient nemesis just to get what he wants, would he? And if he had, does Luke have what it takes to stop his new lover before it is too late? [This is a lot of dense detail to this point - tighten it up.]

HIVE is a cross genre [ah, yes, but which genres? I can pick at least three] science fiction novel for adults complete at approximately 100k words. I am seeking representation. [I guessed that.] Thank you for your consideration.

Overall: a fairly good letter but the story description needs some tightening and you should identify the genres you're crossing.

What you haven't mentioned: you. Why are you writing in this genre? What do you love about it? Given that you have a potentially hard-to-market gay subplot, why have you included it? These are the things I'm wondering.

Query letter #20: children's sci fi

Dear Agent Sydney:

Hunter has always believed in aliens. Melody thinks he's crazy. But when their teacher disappears in the middle of the desert, the two kids must learn to trust each other as they race to rescue her from the sinister forces holding her captive. [Good hook, well expressed.]

And the closer they get to the truth, the more questions they uncover. Was Miss Pepper really abducted by a flying saucer? [Aren't flying saucers a bit 1977?] Why are they being chased by commandos and black helicopters? What does Mr Burgundy, the sinister government agent, know about the disappearance of Hunter's father four years ago? And how come aliens never wear pants? [Nicely paced, and it hooks me into the story - I want to know about the pants now!]

ENCOUNTER AT SHADOW ROCK is the first in the Hunter Black series of science fiction adventures for independent readers aged 8 to 12, and is complete at 22,500 words.

With an action and mystery vibe that's like "Spy Kids" meets "The X-Files" [important you said it's 'like' these things not that it 'is' these things - the first word gives us content, but using the second would have be worrying that you're thinking only of the film deal], the series will see Hunter and Melody investigate a variety of strange and eerie cases, as the mystery surrounding Hunter's father and his involvement in the global alien conspiracy gradually unfolds.

I have seven years of experience as a technical writer and publications manager, and my short story "The Boy Who Believed in Dragons" was published in AUREALIS magazine. [Why have you decided to write for children?]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Author D

Overall: a very good letter. As the story is 22 500 words long, you don't have to give as much detail for the story, so this is an appropriate amount of words to get an agent/publisher intrigued.

What you haven't mentioned: why you're writing for children. As previously mentioned, children's publishing is its own little world and you will need to establish some bona fides - maybe refer to some titles you've read that you really like and that are in the same genre.