Query letter #9: Nisha G

Well, in between one commenter saying that doing these query letters is a waste of time and a couple of other people telling me that my punctuation is old-fashioned, I almost gave up on the whole exercise! But that wouldn't be fair to the folks who've valiantly sent in their query letters - obviously some people don't think it's a waste of time. I did receive more than 10 letters so I may do the 'excess stock' at a later time - but for now, we're almost home. I should say that critiquing these letters in detail may not necessarily help anyone but there are some elementary things that lots of authors get wrong and they're the sorts of things that can be fixed quite easily, as they're usually the result of the author simply being too close to their own work to spot what's missing or what's not working.

Dear Agent,

I am writing regarding my debut novel ‘A Curious Competition’. Aimed at children between 8-12 years of age, this is the first novel of at least three in a fantasy series entitled ‘The Magic’. [A good, clear opening - it lets me know that there's a series planned, and in fantasy that's usually a good thing; in children's books it's a nice thing, but not always what publishers want to hear.]

Queen Aazma has lived without Magic [Why the capital M? Maybe it's a fantasy thing ...] for thousands of years; and now she wants it back [Why does she want it back? What has happened to her without it?]. But she must find the anointed to do this, and so she creates a competition to lure him into her trap. Thus begins Cicada’s journey as one of five children who, unknown to them, are destined to return Magic into the world. Within the moving walls of a castle hidden in the depths of a cave, Cicada is thrust into supernatural challenges beyond his means. According to the prophecy; [no semi-colon here - no punctuation at all is neeed] a single key will release Magic and the one to release it will forever rule the land. Queen Aazma is sure Cicada knows where to find the key and is holding his and his friends’ lives ransom until he hands it to her.

Narrated by Magic [Is Magic a person? Now I'm confused - you said 'it' above - if Magic is magic - a force, not a person, how can it narrate?], but told from Cicada’s perspective, A Curious Competition and subsequent novels in The Magic series follow Cicada as he develops the courage and understanding to fulfil his destiny, save his friends, and stop the Queen’s evil plans. [This plot description is clear and solid, apart from my confusion about Magic.]

As both a reader and writer I enjoy watching vibrant characters grow through the actions and events in their lives; ultimately illustrated through their relationships and their heightened sense of self-fulfilment. I have written 'A Curious Competition' with this in mind; the intention being to create a fast paced story that can be enjoyed by children and adults alike. [Great - love to hear this sort of information as it gives me an insight into the author beyond 'the credits'.]

I have day-dreamed and written for as long as I can remember, but somehow I have spent my adult life to date working in corporate business environments. Two years ago I came to realise this should not stop me from writing and thus began my journey with ‘A Curious Competition’. My passion [Another word that is underutilised in query letters - passion rocks! We need more passion!] is in writing quirky stories for children and fantasy novels for all ages [good - lets me know what to expect from your writing - this story will be quirky]. In addition to the second instalment of The Magic series, I am currently working on a short children’s story intended for the Puffin Aussie Chomps series, and the first novel in an adult fantasy series. [It's good to mention that you're working on other novels, as it lets us know that you're working on other stories while you're waiting to hear about this one - publishers usually like to hear this too.]

I understand you must receive many submissions daily and I am sincerely grateful for your time in considering mine. [You don't need to be sincerely grateful, but I do appreciate the mention of 'many submissions daily' - that lets the agent know that you understand that we won't be speedy and aren't likely to call us twice a day until you get an answer.] If requested, I would be delighted to send you a sample or complete manuscript of my novel. I can be contacted at any time on 0421 XXX XXX or at this email address.


Kind Regards,


Nisha G

Status: APPROVED

Query letter #8: Cassandra B

Dear Agent,

Ben and his twin sister Emma [I would put commas around 'Emma' but apparently my views on punctuation are OLD-FASHIONED so I will be rationing my remarks about it] move to the country and what they find in the woods will question [better to say 'will cause them to question- presumably the thing in the woods isn't doing the questioning] everything they've ever known about their dead mother.

In my 55k [don't use 'k' - put 000 if you mean 'thousand'] word urban fantasy YA novel TINKERS [good title], Thirteen-year-old [I wouldn't capitalise the 'T' on thirteen - there's no full stop before the word - but perhaps that's an old-fashioned view] Benjamin Hawthorne hears rumors at his new school about a group of people called Tinkers who live in RV’s in the woods behind his house. [Run on the next paragraph - the description of the Tinkers should immediately follow the first mention.]

They’re thieves, drunks, uneducated, and haven’t taken a shower in weeks. When Ben actually meets a Tinker and he doesn’t fit this stereotype, Ben sets out on a course to uncover the truth about the people in the woods: that they protect a secret race of faeries [here's where I'm personally lost - anything with faeries, ARGH - but faeries float other people's boats so I won't judge] that may have been the inspiration for JM Barrie’s Peter Pan and that the Tinkers themselves may be closer to Ben than just a people living in the woods. [Closer? What does this mean? And think very, very carefully before you reference a classic like Peter Pan - this immediately invites others to compare your work to whichever classic you're folding into your story].

I have recently completed an MA in Creative Writing from Newcastle University in Newcastle upon Tyne, England. I have had a short story published in Lit by New Writing North in conjunction with Newcastle University. I have also had several works published in Blackberry Winter, the annual chapbook of Rochester College where I earned my BA in English and Professional Writing. This is my first novel. [This part is good - a nice amount of credits.]

Upon your request, I am prepared to send the complete manuscript. [But I don't know if I want to - you didn't give me a reason to read it. I would have been prepared to get past my horror of faeries if you just gave me one good reason to read this novel! When you don't pitch the novel, even a little bit, you're depending on the agent/publisher wanting to read more based on just your description of the storyline, and that's not enough. Tell me why you wanted to write this story - tell me WHY I SHOULD READ IT.]

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

Sincerely,

Cassandra B

Status: REJECTED

Query letter #7: Louise G

Dear Agent [another missed comma - tsk tsk, peoples]

What happens when the person you love asks for your help in trying to unravel the events that lead to their brother’s death, but all the while you know it was YOUR fault their brother died? Some secrets need to remain secret. [Hmmm ... I'm not a fan of the rhetorical question at the start of a query letter. I know the author probably thinks that she's hooking me into the story, but I don't know anything about the story so I really don't care yet. Also, the last sentence looks a bit like a non sequitur because we don't know the storyline yet. Best to avoid this kind of plunging in. It would have been better to start with this second paragraph.]

Ellie Jenson has spent the last five years trying to forget the tragedy that sent her now ex-boyfriend Jack Edwards fleeing to the other side of the world. Trying to forget that Jack Edwards ever existed, trying to piece her life back together.

Now Jack is back in New Zealand [here's the red alert - as an Australian agent, I'm duty bound to stop at any mention of the folk who regularly beat us at rugby union and write back to this author saying she has to query publishers in NZ], back in Ellie’s ER room [Que? What ER room?] and back in her heart, hoping to restart an investigation into his brother’s death and hoping to enlist Ellie’s help.

“The Doctor’s Surprise Proposal” is a 51,208 word (computer count) [don't say this - we know it's a computer count, otherwise it wouldn't be so precise - but saying that it's a computer count makes me suspect you've only just used a computer for the first time] novel targeted at the Medical Romance Line. It is set within a backdrop of a busy ER department in North Auckland, New Zealand on the stormy west coast, at Christmastime (summer in New Zealand). [This paragraph should have come first - but I also need to say that the author is writing for a specific romance genre and sometimes the romance publishers have very specific guidelines for their query processes, so I could be giving the wrong advice - YES, IT'S POSSIBLE.]

The first five pages of “The Doctor’s Surprise Proposal” won the Romance Writers of Australia’s Hi5 contest and the complete manuscript is a Round 2 finalist in the Romance Writer’s of Australia’s Emerald Contest (currently being judged). [Nice work, I'm paying attention.]

I have been writing seriously for the last 4 years, having had many non-fiction articles published (I am a nurse by training [good, this goes to your bona fides to write about an ER ward]). I am a member of the Romance Writers of America, Australia and New Zealand. I have attended numerous conferences and classes to develop my craft to date.

I have enclosed the first three chapters of my novel and a synopsis for your consideration. I look forward to an opportunity to share the entire manuscript with you soon. [I'm not a fan of lines like this last one - we presume you want to send us the entire manuscript, you don't have to say it. It would be better to end with something memorable - maybe funny. I'm more likely to pay attention that way. Query letters are usually so serious, but you'd be surprised how many manuscripts I've requested just because the query letter was funny in parts, and I've taken on quite a few of those authors.]

Kind regards [Comma! Where's the comma?!!]


Louise G

Status: Conditionally APPROVED

Query letter #6: Megan B

Dear Agent [you missed a comma here]

The Iron Bubble is a 90,000 word urban fantasy that deals with what it means to do the right thing, the far-reaching consequences of actions, and why you should take care never to piss of[extra 'f' needed on this word] a werewolf. [So far, so good - except for the typo. Generally, though, this paragraph tells me all I need to know before I dive in.]

William likes David Bowie and The White Stripes. He likes pizza and chocolate. He likes working for the mysterious Company and he really likes his new superpowers. [You don't need to use 'like' so often to make the point - linguistic or otherwise. And what are the superpowers?] One thing William does not like? Children. And yet, here he is: Jobless, stripped of his powers, and with coworkers he only days ago called friends out for his blood. All because of some stupid kid. [Apart from verb overenthusiasm, this is a pretty good para.]

But what choice did he have? [What do we say about starting sentences - let alone paragraphs - with 'And' or 'But'? Naughty, naughty.] Making bad guys explode and healing bullet wounds with his mind was all very awesome, but kidnapping little girls? Not so much. Even if Daisy is a prophet with a head full of facts his bosses really want, he can't kidnap her and still expect to sleep at night. But does Daisy's mother care about all the sacrifices William's made for her daughter? No! She acts like he actually did kidnap Daisy, instead of only, like, half kidnapping her. It doesn't make for pleasant on the run conversation, to say the least. [Now we're getting into synopsis territory - keep it snappy. Make the pitch.]

And Jones isn't helping. Ah yes, Shakespeare Jones. The bitter werewolf who's worked for the Company since forever (or since 1994, same thing), and is the only other employee who wants to keep Daisy safe. Admittedly, he isn't motivated so much by morals as by his own mysterious and possibly sinister reasons, (though to be fair, everything about Jones is mysterious and possibly sinister), and he did try to kill William that one time… Still, his car is fast and his teeth are sharp, two things that can only come in handy right about now. [Too much storytelling - introduce the main characters, tell me why I should read the novel, then get the hell outta there.]

But they need to learn how to get along. Because, with an army of zombies and vampires and probably a freaking banshee or two (and we can't forget Lilitree; William's insanely hot but mostly just insane ex-boss) close behind, now's really not the time for fighting. [Zzzzzz - I'm gone.]

This kid had damn well better be worth it. [But now I'm not sure YOU'RE worth it - and we were getting along so well. So why did you write this novel? What's your background? This is information I don't have - information which you could have sacrificed one of those earlier paragraphs to give me.]

The manuscript is complete and available, should you wish to request it, and I have included the first five pages below. [Clear, courteous - good ending. Except I've arrived here not knowing how the title of the novel relates to the story - you need to explain that, otherwise I think 'The Iron Bubble' refers to a heretofore undiscovered liquid gas source in the former USSR.]

Sincerely,
Megan B

Status: I'm on the fence.

A pause in proceedings

I have been following with interest the debate between two commenters, stuntsmile and Sarahlynn, which you can read here: https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=632086038992984402&postID=5980644457431321270.

Makes me think I should read the comments more ...

Basically, stuntsmile, if you think I'm reading query letters in order to decide 'what to print and what not to print' then you don't know what an agent does. We are not publishers - publishers decide what to print. We just try to persuade them to print the stuff we like.

Moreover, YOU may look at the quality of the writing, but a lot of people look at the covers - that's why publishers and authors get so worked up about them (the biggest battles usually take place over the cover, NOT the text).

And another thing: Jane Austen wouldn't have ever needed to have written a query letter because she was writing in a time when there weren't a bazillion (conservative estimate) people trying to get their novels published. More wannabe novelists = less time to consider each submission, ergo, the query letter was born. Get over it. And don't for a second think that Austen is still being read because she was the best novelist of her day - she was the best marketed novelist of her day, and that's why she endures. I am sure there are many good novelists of her era who have disappeared into the mists of time. Jane worked it. She knew her audience and she worked it. Good on her. I don't have a second's doubt that, if pressed to write a query letter for Pride and Prej, she'd have come up with something like this:

Elizabeth Bennet has a problem: several of them, actually, and they're all related to her. Then she spies new neighbourhood recruit Mr Darcy, and things take a turn for the interesting ... Not only is Mr Darcy handsome, but he's loaded. And he seems to think she's a bit of all right. Still, those pesky relatives are likely to deter an eligible bachelor who seems a bit commitment phobic. What's a girl to do?

See, JA was writing what we now call genre fiction.

And as for JK Rowling: I have heard anywhere from 5 to 35 rejections for Harry Potter - the story is apocryphal, and only Rowling knows the truth. But the 'rejections' make a great tale, don't they? I'm not saying she wasn't rejected, but it makes a better story to put those rejections in the multiples of ten - not that I think it's even her propagating that line. She doesn't need to, you see - she's JK Rowling.

Now I'm going back to my glass of red and my Richard Price novel. LOVE Richard Price. Everyone should read Lush Life.

Query letter #5: Annie S

Dear Agent,

What happens when Mean Girls become mothers? [This is a solid-gold start: I know immediately what sort of book this will be and who might read it. The author has cleverly used a cultural reference to cut down on the amount of explaining she needs to do.] Adam James thinks his new wife Amy [you could use some commas around 'Amy' but I will let it go because the first sentence rocks] is adjusting to motherhood pretty well. Then he sees security camera footage of Amy acting as a decoy while the rest of her mothers’ group conceal $900 digital hard disc recorders in their Bugaboos. [Gold, gold, gold. I am hooked.]

Mum on TV is the opening scene of The First Year, a complete 78,000-word manuscript aimed at readers of contemporary women’s fiction. [The author didn't need to tell me this straight up because she completely hooked me with that first paragraph - she gave me all the reasons I needed to keep reading - so the information can stay in the second para position.]

It tells the story of English Amy [comma here] who almost spent her first year of being a mum in Sydney’s eastern suburbs doing the traditional mix of gymbaroo, sleep school and swimming lessons. Instead, Amy is drawn to a trio of magnetic yummy mummies. What do the women see in Amy that transforms the clique into a seemingly tight quartet? Amy is in a foreign country with a newborn; her husband has gone all hunter/gatherer on her and she can’t decide if her mother-in-law’s interference is misguidedly benign or plain toxic. Motherhood is also bringing Amy’s own childhood into painful focus. As isolated Amy becomes increasingly dependant on her mothers’ group, it takes a while for her to realise that some bonds of sisterhood are meant to be broken. [More gold - this author goes to the top of the class - she has told me absolutely everything I need to know to make a decision about whether or not I want to read the manuscript: she has set up the main character, the plot and the points of intrigue.]

Running alongside a plot that includes pram-jacking [ha!], an assault on Pumpkin Patch [gold!] and an actual arrest,[lose this comma] is an honest account of the joyous terror that a first baby brings. By the time her baby is a mighty toddler, Amy will look back at his first year with nostalgia. Really, the baby bit is the easy bit, she’ll tell her husband. It’s not like they move. [I've kind of hit the snooze button here because the pace drops back a bit, but not enough to deter me.]

I’ve worked in communications since graduating in 1997. With high-profile work in both the public and private sector, writing is part of my daily life in the form of brochures, websites, newsletters etc. [Good - establishing her writing background without belabouring the point.]

I would love to forward you my synopsis, sample chapters or indeed the full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration. [I think verbs like 'love' are underappreciated and underused in daily life - what's wrong with a bit of vigour in a business communication? So I like this more relaxed sentence, and this is one of the rare query letters where I'd say, 'Hang the sample chapters - send me the full thing!']

Best regards,
Annie S

Status: APPROVED with distinction

Query letter #4: Theresa L

Dear Agent,

I have written a 75,000 word, [don't put a comma here] soft crime novel, Six Minutes [but you do need one here] which is currently being read by one of the big Australian publishing houses (details upon request) [this doesn't actually mean anything apart from telling me that you've potentially closed off one submission avenue for me]. The Commissioning Editor, Books for Adults [there's only one publisher who has a division with this name, and as far as I know they don't have 'the' commissioning editor - they have some publishers and some editors who also commission - be very careful when using titles of people you're dealing with as someone in the industry can immediately spot when it's not right and they may then think you're fibbing], requested that I send her the novel when finished [again, this doesn't mean anything - you shouldn't lead with any of this information about someone reading it because that's not what will get my attention. I want to know about the STORY - so put this other stuff near the end of the letter]. Presently, I am seeking the services of an agent. [I know that - you've written me a query letter.] Immediately it would be to assist with any negotiations that might eventuate with this publisher [Here's where I'd stop reading - you're telling me what my job will be, when actually it should be to find you the BEST publisher, not necessarily THIS publisher], but primarily to represent me in the broader market place [and how can I do that if you've already decided you just want to negotiate with this publisher?]. The novel has not been seen by any other house. A synopsis and sample chapter follow.

I write about lawyers … because I am one, or was one, until I turned from the dark side. [Good, funny.] The characters of Six Minutes were born of extreme boredom, on the back of a never-ending list of exhibits, during the longest (and possibly, most excruciating) Supreme Court trial in Queensland’s history. Somewhere in between noting details of cheque-but [you're missing a T on that word] number 193 and 1500, the whole plot took shape. [It's nice to include this sort of information, to lead me into the story.]

Hennessy Clark has just fired three of its best litigators for something they didn’t do. They weren’t friends before; [semi-colon not needed - use a comma instead] but they are now. Sandra Jeeves, the pug-like, binge-drinking, sex-obsessed senior associate [Cool! I like the sound of her], had dedicated her life to the Brisbane law firm. She had nothing else—no man, no kids, no pets. What’s a girl to do? And didn’t their night together [Whose night together?] mean anything? Frances Mackay, employment law expert, is the exact opposite. [colon, lower-case S on 'secure'] Secure, restrained, refined, Hepburnesque. But again, the firm was her life. What nasty thing did she do in the middle of a school-night to warrant this? Andrea Toohey, the managing partner’s former extra-marital squeeze, started it all by getting pregnant to him. [WHO IS 'HIM'??? This paragraph is confusing. The only part I liked was the description of the pug-like Sandra. Where is the crime? Why is it 'soft crime'? I just don't know what's going on.]

I’ve been writing for love and laundry money for well over a decade. I am finally completing a PhD in Philosophy (by research, part time, external) on the quest to turn out a believable, authentic novel, beyond what basic advice is available [awkward - 'beyond the basic advice that is available ...' would be better] in how-to and how-I manuals and writing memoirs. There is a gap in the market for books on advanced writing techniques. [How is this relevant to your novel?] I have been a presenter at writing conferences, tutored in writing and been a guest speaker at my local law faculty. I have also written: published book reviews, dental/medical patient education and marketing material, web content, legal briefs, policies, procedures and technical training manuals. In subtle ways, these experiences all flavour my favourite work: novel writing. [You have a lot of experience - so why can't you pitch yourself better?]

Thank you for considering this proposal. I look forward to your feedback.

[By this point I'm cross. I can see that this writer has some talent but she's tripping herself up trying to tell me how much experience she has at other kinds of writing - she's spent more time establishing her bona fides (the book is being read at a publishing house, I have writing experience at this and that) than telling me what her story is and why I should read it.]

Kind regards,


Theresa L

Status: REJECTED with regret - this author can do better.

By this stage you can probably tell that I nitpick query letters - because I see a lot of them, small points of comparison (like punctuation) have larger meaning. It really doesn't take much for me to get to 'no' - the default position is 'no' simply because the volume of submissions is so great and I've been doing this long enough to know that, statistically, there won't be many great queries.

Remember, the query letter is your first way in to an agent or publisher and first impressions definitely count. A badly punctuated letter is equivalent to turning up to a job interview with messy hair and buttons missing. A letter that doesn't tell me why I should read the manuscript is the same as sitting in that interview and not talking about your experience or why you should be hired. How can you then be surprised if you don't get the job?