Dear Agent [you missed a comma here]
The Iron Bubble is a 90,000 word urban fantasy that deals with what it means to do the right thing, the far-reaching consequences of actions, and why you should take care never to piss of[extra 'f' needed on this word] a werewolf. [So far, so good - except for the typo. Generally, though, this paragraph tells me all I need to know before I dive in.]
The Iron Bubble is a 90,000 word urban fantasy that deals with what it means to do the right thing, the far-reaching consequences of actions, and why you should take care never to piss of[extra 'f' needed on this word] a werewolf. [So far, so good - except for the typo. Generally, though, this paragraph tells me all I need to know before I dive in.]
William likes David Bowie and The White Stripes. He likes pizza and chocolate. He likes working for the mysterious Company and he really likes his new superpowers. [You don't need to use 'like' so often to make the point - linguistic or otherwise. And what are the superpowers?] One thing William does not like? Children. And yet, here he is: Jobless, stripped of his powers, and with coworkers he only days ago called friends out for his blood. All because of some stupid kid. [Apart from verb overenthusiasm, this is a pretty good para.]
But what choice did he have? [What do we say about starting sentences - let alone paragraphs - with 'And' or 'But'? Naughty, naughty.] Making bad guys explode and healing bullet wounds with his mind was all very awesome, but kidnapping little girls? Not so much. Even if Daisy is a prophet with a head full of facts his bosses really want, he can't kidnap her and still expect to sleep at night. But does Daisy's mother care about all the sacrifices William's made for her daughter? No! She acts like he actually did kidnap Daisy, instead of only, like, half kidnapping her. It doesn't make for pleasant on the run conversation, to say the least. [Now we're getting into synopsis territory - keep it snappy. Make the pitch.]
And Jones isn't helping. Ah yes, Shakespeare Jones. The bitter werewolf who's worked for the Company since forever (or since 1994, same thing), and is the only other employee who wants to keep Daisy safe. Admittedly, he isn't motivated so much by morals as by his own mysterious and possibly sinister reasons, (though to be fair, everything about Jones is mysterious and possibly sinister), and he did try to kill William that one time… Still, his car is fast and his teeth are sharp, two things that can only come in handy right about now. [Too much storytelling - introduce the main characters, tell me why I should read the novel, then get the hell outta there.]
But they need to learn how to get along. Because, with an army of zombies and vampires and probably a freaking banshee or two (and we can't forget Lilitree; William's insanely hot but mostly just insane ex-boss) close behind, now's really not the time for fighting. [Zzzzzz - I'm gone.]
This kid had damn well better be worth it. [But now I'm not sure YOU'RE worth it - and we were getting along so well. So why did you write this novel? What's your background? This is information I don't have - information which you could have sacrificed one of those earlier paragraphs to give me.]
The manuscript is complete and available, should you wish to request it, and I have included the first five pages below. [Clear, courteous - good ending. Except I've arrived here not knowing how the title of the novel relates to the story - you need to explain that, otherwise I think 'The Iron Bubble' refers to a heretofore undiscovered liquid gas source in the former USSR.]
Sincerely,
Megan B
Status: I'm on the fence.
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