Query letter #7: YA fiction

Dear Agent,

Mishca’s heart is not her own, and then she falls in love. [You have my attention - good opening line.]

After graduating high school and undergoing a life saving heart transplant, Mishca Richardson [If this is YA you need to give us the character's age early on[ hopes that she can finally have a semblance of a normal life. But her new heart appears to have consequences as she is plagued by post operation nightmares and a sudden yearning to find her birthparents, which has never been an issue for her before. [Interesting premise - I want to keep reading]

Mishca’s search for birth parents leads her to Ryder, a fellow adoptee who is unfazed by her health issue and lack of experience with boys. While her romance with Ryder blossoms, other things in her life are not going according to plan as she discovers no-one has ever been able to trace their birthparents with the agency she was adopted through. Then Mishca’s whole world is turned upside down when she goes to university and meets her literature professor Colin Read.

But the gravity of her situation is worse than Mishca realises. She is secretly being watched by a man called Wirth, who is responsible for her dream, knows the truth about her past and has plans for her future.

[A nice amount of detail, and well broken up - I didn't feel like I was being given too much]

Mishca is a YA Speculative Fiction [why is it spec fic? It doesn't sound like it necessarily fits into that genre], complete at 50,500 words. It is designed to be book one of a series. While Mishca and the series are set in Australia, I have undertaken market research on a YA writers’ community, Inkpop, by posting a portion of an early draft the story. I received nearly 700 comments, predominately from American teens, and the feedback shows that Mishca would be commercially successful internationally if published. In June Mishca was actually voted in the top five favourite projects on the site out of more than 25,000 pieces of work by the members. [Good to include this - it's useful information for agent/publisher as it shows you've connected with a potential readership, and connection is a good thing!]

I am looking for an agent who will work with me, through editing and advice, to establish myself as a long-term career author. As per your submission guidelines, I have included the first ten pages of Mishca below.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best Wishes

Author S

Overall: a very good letter. You have an interesting premise for the story and you've let it speak for itself. The only real quibble is with the genre - it sounds like it should be plain old 'young adult fiction' rather than 'YA speculative fiction'.

What you haven't mentioned: the author included some indication of where she would personalise the letter for the agent/publisher it's addressed to, and I removed the references so they didn't interrupt the flow of the letter.

Query letter #6: fiction

I am seeking representation for A Woman Transported, a historical [historical what? novel?] set between London and Australia in the early 1800s. The story is complete at 100,000 words.

A Woman Transported is a tale of pain, struggle, deceit, and ultimately love — and one woman’s fight to find her mother transported across the oceans to Botany Bay — a hell on earth where even the kookaburras mock the convicts with laughter. [This last bit may appeal to overseas readers but would strike a false note with Australians, because we know that kookaburras only laugh at impending rain and the small warm-blooded animals they're about to tear apart.]

London, 1814 – Isabel [who is Isabel? How old is she? Is she a convict?] imagines the land the floating convict prison hulks are destined for, the prison on the other side of the world, but all she can vision is a grey, damp, wet, overcrowded land full of decrepit buildings — a land of evil, depraved people, and the horror her convict mother must be living in Australia. [This para is a bit heavy - try reworking it.]

Isabel, the daughter of a candle and soap maker, [Ah, so this is who she is - why couldn't you tell us in the para above?] dreams of seeing her mother again and escaping the rabbit warrens where even the light seems oppressive. Using a determination known by those who have suffered deeply she overcomes poverty, evades brutal men and fights against an unjust system of justice. She makes her way to Australia, finds her mother near death in the sunburnt land and much more than she expects or is prepared for.

I’m an Australian woman and Isabel’s story comes from my life-long fascination with not only the fragility of human nature, but also the period when around 162,000 men and women were transported to Australia between 1788 and 1868. [Fair enough, but as it's historical you should mention any research you've done. Also, be aware that your competitor title in this vein is the legendary Sara Dane so you need to be able to match that story's appeal and sweep.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Overall: this letter, while containing a lot of the right information, feels a bit tentative and stiff. You should write it as if you're telling it to someone and let the spoken tone guide you. Agents and publishers see hundreds of query letters a year and anything that seems too formal is going to just seem like the other letters, so you need to stand out - don't be afraid to start pitching straightaway and convey how much you love your story, or have loved writing it. Passion goes a long way in impressing others.

Query letter #5: fiction

Dear Mr/Ms. Sydney,

Psychiatry has never been so dangerous. [At first blush this looks like it would be a good hook, but it's actually not - don't use it. Go straight to the next para.]

Alpha Slip is a novel of paranoia, conspiracy and fractured realities. [Good - concise, clear, descriptive.] In 2065, Detroit is a broken city where the police can be bought and surveillance is omnipresent. The only place left to speak freely is in your head: rebellious youth use hacked psychiatric tools to plug into each other’s minds and share dreams of sex and false enlightenment. [Again, good. Interesting premise, and you've set place and time without any fuss.]

Professor William Vice is the pioneer of this dream-melding technology. He comes out of unhappy retirement to help his old students treat Buckley, a child soldier returned from the civil war on Mars. But when one of his students is found murdered and Vice is accused, he finds himself on the run from the police, Buckley, and his mysterious military backers. [I'd stop the description here and not use the next para - you've left us dangling with this one, and that's all you need.]

To make things worse, Vice is suffering delusions of his own. His greatest talent – his skill in melding and slipping through patient’s dreams – may also be his undoing. The meld implants in his head are old and failing, and picking reality from hallucination may be the greatest challenge of all.

Alpha Slip is [a] completed 110,000 word manuscript, and would appeal to fans of Richard Morgan, William Gibson and Philip. K. Dick. [Good - word count and references.] It is my fourth completed novel [don't say this unless the first three were published], and I sincerely feel it is ready for publication. [Don't say this either - if you don't think it's ready for publication, you shouldn't send it to me, so saying this just makes me think that maybe you're not sure.] I am querying you specifically because of your interest in aggressive and edgy spec fiction - I think Alpha Slip tackles a number of provocative issues, such as the enslavement of child soldiers and the effects of a surveillance state, without losing sight of its classic sci-fi roots. [Good]

Thankyou for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Author C

Overall: a very good letter.

What you haven't mentioned: why you're writing this type of story. Because spec fiction has a passionate readership and equally passionate writers, with lots of subgenres, so for this genre - and for romance - it can be good to mention why you've chosen your particular subgenre. It will help the agent/publisher envisage where it fits. But it's a nice-to-have, not a must-have.

Query letter #4: fiction

Dear Agent Sydney:

Disgusted with God’s plan for Judgment Day, Satan has quit his job and left Hell in favor of a quiet retirement in Washington, D.C. [I'm hooked already - great premise, clearly expressed - plus the hilarious prospect of a quiet anything in DC.] But life on Earth is tricky for an ex-angel with a short fuse and no impulse control. [Ha!] When a parking attendant mysteriously bursts into flames and a weight-challenged woman somehow ends up in low-Earth orbit, Satan finds that he has attracted the attention of several meddlesome federal agencies. Even worse, there are signs that the governor of Texas has somehow gone ahead and started up the end of the world. The Prince of Darkness heads for the Lone Star State, where he tangles with a megalomaniacal televangelist, joins the Militant Arm of the American Geriatrics Association, and wields the Flaming Stick of Divine Justice at a guy whose hobbies include invading churches to denounce ritualized cannibalism. Through it all, one thing is clear: Someone has to put a stop to Judgment Day. Now, having spent millennia trying to wreck the place, the Devil may be the world’s only hope. [All very well expressed, but break into two paragraphs - especially if this query is sent by email, the one para looks too dense. Para break should come before 'The Prince of Darkness'.]

WHAT WOULD SATAN DO? is 95,000 words of humorous/satirical general fiction that should appeal to folks who like reading absurdist humor of the sort found in Christopher Moore’s Lamb and Douglas Adams’ The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul. [Good to mention these as it establishes a potential readership - particularly in spec fiction - and also good to not directly compare yourself to them - which is a fine distinction, but an important one.] I'm a member of the Lesser North Texas Writers, the Writers Guild of Texas, and a group called the Writers of Weird Works, but it’s probably only my job as a trial lawyer that qualifies me to make up stories about Satan. [Ha! Nice hook.] I am prepared to send the completed manuscript if you'd like to take a look.

I look forward to hearing any thoughts you might care to offer, and thank you for your time and consideration.

Thank you,

Author A

Overall: excellent. Told me everything I needed to know in a very appealing fashion - even if I thought this story wasn't right for me, I'd still want to read it because I suspect it would be funny and that the author may also be fun to work with.

Query letter #3: fiction

Dear Agent Sydney,

I am seeking representation for my literary [Alert! Only use this descriptor if you are querying an agent who specialises in literary fiction - for anyone else it's going to possibly be a bad thing, since literary fiction is the hardest type of fiction to get published] novel, Red Seagull, complete at 65, 000 words. [Otherwise, good opening sentence - concise, tells me key information.]

Having worked as an arts and music journalist for ten years, my writing has been regularly featured in various print and online publications, including: The Big Issue, Crikey, Time Off, Inpress, Beat, Drum Media, and Rave magazine. Red Seagull is my first novel. [Again, concise, gives relevant information.]

In a moment of shared, drunken desperation, a dying billionaire and a young man in freefall meet and determine to rescue an unravelling world. The people [Which people? The people? Of which country?] will be asked to decide, to burn or save its most treasured work of art, and in doing so will decide their own fate. [The email didn't contain line breaks in this section so I haven't inserted them, but you should include them otherwise the text all runs together.]

In a personal universe of unlimited wealth, Fax can have his every thought turned real except that of escaping his impending death. He finds Huck, a man convinced of our time’s futility, and together they find a joy in this, a freedom, and imagine a plan to carry out “a gesture of impossible and ridiculous liberation.” Red Seagull is a painting the world knows, it is embedded in history, and the population will have thirty days to vote on its salvation or destruction. [This is basically the same as the para above, just with more words = unnecessary duplication.]

Flushed with the novelty of power, will the people embrace this symbol of hope or will they set themselves to flame?

The city’s central square is commandeered as a great stage and becomes a place of celebration and protest. The people come in gushing numbers, to set eyes upon this work of art so deeply set in the common psyche, and to have their vote. Fax sees the outcome as an inevitability – that charged with the prospect of a genuine power, they will choose to exercise it, to have this symbol of achievement and aspiration destroyed. Huck, initially reckless with enthusiasm, is crushed by the reality of this plan they have put to action.

The emotional centre of the story, Gay experiences the fury and ecstasy absent from her partner, Huck. Suddenly abandoned, she finds herself revealed; furious at what she perceives as her lack of strength and a desire to rescue Huck at any cost – to deny the damage he has inflicted and to mother their dismantled relationship. The city grows wild around the vote on Red Seagull.

As the attentions of the globe descend on the scenes of the city’s square, where the enraged and confused masses have come to vote and find their voice, relationships are made and destroyed between the story’s central figures. Love turns to panic and anger, while a new kind of optimism is invented between strangers. Red Seagull is the story of thirty blazing days experienced through the shifting perspectives of Huck and Fax – unhinged comrades, Gay – the witness to her lover’s disintegration, and Amadeo – the apprentice, fighting to claim the fortune and destiny he sees self-destructing. Red Seagull is the story of the days of fear and decision, and the choices people make. [The only bit that interested me in this description was the part from 'Red Seagull is the story ...' to the end of this paragraph - the rest of the description is a bit confusing. Keep it clear, stick to the main thrust of the story and let them find out the details when they read it. This letter should be a pitch, not a synopsis.]

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal and please let me know if you would like any other information or further samples [what samples have you given me now?] of the manuscript.

Sincerely,
Author R.

Overall: okay, but needs improvement. There are some punctuation errors (missing commas, mainly) that need to be fixed and, as mentioned, the description of the story is a bit tangled.

What you haven't mentioned: who you believe would read your novel. The story is fairly esoteric - do you imagine it's going to appeal to art lovers? Readers of 'quality fiction'? When it's not a genre novel the audience is less defined, and it's important that you know who you're writing for, and that you can articulate who that reader is.

Query letter #2: non-fiction

Dear Agent Sydney,

Ever see a beautiful flower arrangement and think, “Man, I wish I could make that!” [While I frequently employ 'man' in everyday life, it does immediately position this book in a certain demographic - the Fonzie demographic. And it's likely that many of those with the time, inclination and cashola to do floral design are in the Mrs Cunningham demographic, so you may as well leave the door open. Please reconsider inclusion of 'man'.] -Maybe not. Why? It can seem too hard and time consuming.

Groundbreaking in methods and untraditional design, The Flower Chef is putting floral design myths (such as flower prep and techniques) to rest, and inspiring a new generation of “Do-It-Yourself” [at this point you could make a quick reference to the popularity of craft and DIY websites and books, to establish a potential readership for the agent/publisher]. For most of the flower recipes in here you can go to your local grocery store, farmer’s market or florist, and buy bunches of flowers or deconstruct a pre-made bouquet to create a professional looking arrangement.

Formatted like a traditional cookbook with prep/cook time and ingredients [Why have you ordered the book like this? It's not an immediately obvious fit with flowers, so you'll need to explain] , it goes in sequential order from beginner arrangements (Appetizers) to advanced (Entrees/Desserts). I’ve also included food recipes for each section because who doesn’t love looking at recipes? [That's not a good enough reason to include them - explain how they fit with your flower theme, because what we take from the title is 'flower' not 'chef', thus the reference is a bit oblique] For the most part they are vegetarian friendly, and simple enough to actually make. At the back you will find party and special occasion ideas, which include ways to mix-and-match the food and flowers.

I’m an ambitious young entrepreneur that started my own floral business after working in non-profit. During college I worked at the top florists in Los Angeles as a sales girl, learning the ropes and teaching myself along the way. My design studio Fxxxx has been featured in Daily Candy, KCRW, MyFoxLA, Wedding Wire, numerous wedding and event blogs, and has donated arrangements to many charities including FEED and Sandpipers. Flour also contributes to editorial photo-shoots and is the official florist of the LA Shoot This! photography group. [good, good, good - credentials established]

Please visit my website at www.flourla.com to see my eco-friendly arrangements. [Eco-friendly! Why didn't you say so earlier? This is an important point to make. Ppl luvz the eco.]

The full proposal is complete. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. It’s much appreciated!! [Never use two exclamation marks when one will do.] Looking forward to hearing from you.

Warmest Regards,
Author C

Overall: a good pitch for an idea that's not necessarily an obvious winner. Your tone is bright and engaging, and I'd want to see the proposal because I think I like you already. Note to Australian readers: this author is in the US, where a proposal for a non-fiction project is still acceptable. Here in the great southern land, we need to have a bit more for submissions.

What you haven't mentioned: Is the book four-colour photographic? How many recipes are you thinking of including? How long would it take you to do a full manuscript? And I'm still not sure who your readers are - can you give an idea of where you think this book fits - in with craft books? In with gorgeous, expensive cookbooks?

Query letter #1: non-fiction

**December was hard yakka. And I got about two days off over the 'break' so, ahem, I'm running really late with these query letters - sorry, folks. This letter was originally sent a while ago, in response to my request for NF queries. All comments in bold.**

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for a proposed [use of the word 'proposed' makes me think you haven't written anything yet - in which case, why are you querying?] non-fiction parenting book, The Secret Life of a Baby.

Parents are often confused about how they should be parenting their new babies, and frequently seek answers from books. Many books focus on what our babies should be doing, such as when they should sleep through the night, when they should eat solids, and when they should be reaching developmental milestones. If our babies aren’t doing this, they [you need to define 'they' as 'these books' lest we think it's some other 'they'] generally tell us how to train your baby to fit into your routine as quickly as possible.

However, as a child psychiatrist [this information should have come earlier - it's your credential for writing a book which you've already acknowledged is entering a crowded field], I am concerned that we are ignoring the baby’s needs, potentially to the detriment of the child’s psychological development. Despite being an ‘expert’, I found myself reaching for parenting books when I was tired and vulnerable after the birth of my first baby last year, and was distressed to find that very few books give practical advice while still focussing on a baby’s needs. [This paragraph is sufficient - delete the para above.]

The Secret Life of a Baby will explain to parents of infants how a baby sees the world, and the importance of following the baby’s cues. It will discuss the infant’s psychological development from some of the major theorists in an accessible way, using examples from my own parenting experiences. I have a strong passion to inform parents about what we think – from the major theorists – and what we know – from science – about parenting and childhood development so that they can make the best choices when they are struggling and looking for help.

I am a child and adolescent psychiatrist [you've already told us you're a child psychiatrist so you should rephrase this - 'As a child and adolescent psychiatrist I have worked ...] and have worked extensively with women during their pregnancy and the neonatal period. In 2009 I won the Royal Australia and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists’ Maddison Medallion which is awarded to the new psychiatrist who has performed most meritoriously in their training. As well as this professional experience, I have personal experience as I am the mother of a fourteen month old baby and am pregnant with my second.

I have always loved writing and have done my best to integrate writing into my professional life. This began with writing articles and book reviews for online psychiatric sites. More recently I had a feature article on parenting and mental health published in a magazine, and an article on the links between medicine and writing for a medical writing journal. I have also had an academic article accepted for publication in a peer reviewed psychiatry journal later this year, and I write a blog on my own experiences of being a parent and a psychiatrist. I also enjoy writing fiction and have recently written the first draft of a novel through Queensland Writers’ Centre’s Year of the Novel Course. [delete reference to fiction - this para is already quite long and the reference to fiction will just confuse matters, although I understand why you put it in]

I appreciate that you are extremely busy, and thank you for taking the time to consider my proposal. I am of course happy to provide you with any further information, and I look forward to hearing from you in due course.

Yours Sincerely,

Author

Overall, a good effort. It just needs to be tightened up a little, and perhaps read it again with a view to being more confident about your credentials - by deleting the second para and going straight into your rationale for writing the book, you will sound more confident, and the tone could also be lifted a little.

What you haven't mentioned: word count. If the manuscript isn't finished, give a proposed word count and say when you think you'll finish writing it.